attackpoodleSo much fodder in one little story, I don’t even know where to start . . .

Former French president Jacques Chirac was rushed to hospital after being mauled by his own ‘clinically depressed’ pet dog.

The 76-year-old statesman was savaged by his white Maltese dog – which suffers from frenzied fits and is being treated with anti-depressants.

The animal, named Sumo, had become increasingly violent over the past years and was prone to making ‘vicious, unprovoked attacks’, Chirac’s wife Bernadette said.

Upon questioning, the dog admitted that he had, in fact, attached Chirac.  Sumo did, however, note that the former president put up no resistance whatsoever.  “I guess that after years of conditioning French politicians can’t help but surrender.  It’s like that miscreant Pavlov messing with those poor beagles,” said Sumo

When asked about his depression, Sumo seemed both defeated and defensive, replying, “It is so hard to maintain any self respect.  You would be clinically depressed too if you woke up one morning realizing that you were the descendent of wolves but had been reduced to a quiche eating surrender monkey’s lap dog.”