Police Defuse Samurai Attack — The Telegraph, 7 March 2008.
With a Bonzai scream heard for miles, 10,000 Samurai warriors descended on Hyde Park Wednesday morning. The Samurai, dressed in traditional armor and wielding swords, swarmed over the park attacking everything in sight. Ninety-eight people were killed, as were 8 dogs, 32 park benches, and countless pigeons that had left-off shitting on Nelson’s head long enough to go have a look at the commotion. An additional 76 people were injured, 11 of whom remain in intensive care.
One of the witness was quoted as saying, “They were kung-fu fighting. Those cats were fast as lightning. I mean, it was a little bit frightening.”
Seven of the victims were American citizens and President Bush responded to the tragic news with his usual aplomb, saying, “Not this again; I thought daddy took care of those crazy Japanese imperialist terrorists years ago.” The Prime Minister lent his support, “What Bush said, but with a more open and accepting attitude consistent with modern multicultural Britain and the Samurai’s place in our diverse society.”
The slaughter would have been much worse, but police began confiscating swords and arresting the Samurai in accordance with the recently enacted ban on Samurai swords. One constable quipped, “Thank goodness for the new Samurai sword law, otherwise how would we have stopped the little bleeders from killing everyone in Kensington?”
The sale, import and hire of samurai swords could be banned by the end of the year, Home Office Minister Vernon Coaker said today.
The proposal, outlined in a consultation paper issued by the Home Office, will help to take dangerous weapons out of circulation and protect the public.
. . .
Home Office Minister Vernon Coaker said: “Public safety is our greatest priority. Samurai sword crime is low in volume but high in profile and I recognise it can have a devastating impact.
“Banning the sale, import and hire will take more dangerous weapons out of circulation, making our streets safer.”
. . .
“It is already illegal to have a samurai sword in a public place but I want to restrict the number of dangerous weapons in circulation to enhance community safety.”
Devastating impact, indeed. Just so everyone understands, because we know that ignorance of the law is no excuse, in Britain, you can get four years in prison for carrying a Samurai sword. But, actually killing someone only gets you two years.